CLIENT INFORMATION:
Mark
53 years old
Artist / Designer
SESSION INTENTION:
To over-come self-sabotage, imposter syndrome and past wounds. Feeling generally restless and lonely, looking for fulfillment.
MODALITIES PERFORMED:
- Illumination
- Soul retrieval
INITIAL DISCUSSION:
Mark has had four personal healing sessions in the past year and a half, reporting significant improvements after each one. While his journey ebbs and flows, he is continuing to work on himself. It’s been multiple months since Mark quit drinking, cold turkey. This has mostly been manageable for him, but he finds it more difficult when he’s in social settings around others who are drinking. Removing alcohol has brought more clarity to his life and he's feeling more connected to his intuition and where he's stuck.
One thing that Mark still struggles with is frequent nightmares and intense dreams. Recently there was a vivid dream about living in a house with a family of carpenters who were in the process of building the house, but it began suddenly and violently falling apart crushing Mark in the crumbling house. When I asked what he thought the dream represented, he said believed the meaning of the dream is a metaphor for his life, specifically self-sabotage.
Additionally, impostor syndrome and selling himself short has been coming up frequently. Specifically, about an art exhibit that he was asked to feature his work in. Even though he's an accomplished, professional artist, he still feels as if his work does not measure up to other artist's who have previously exhibited there. I asked why he thought this was. He said “being a tall, white man in America has afforded me a lot. Half of my success has been because of that, the other half is from good at sales, specifically being able to mirror people.” Mark says he feels like he's “tricking the system” having a strong feeling of impostor syndrome.
I was getting the strong sense Mark was avoiding stepping into his authenticity and personal power. He agreed, when I asked why, he replied "because I don't have to." Probing further, I asked what he really meant, he said "I'm afraid to."
Another thing Mark is struggling with is restlessness, in every aspect of his life. He is looking to temper this, wanting to detach from things that have previously defined him and allow more of himself to come into wholeness. To be completely himself. He feels this “mirroring” he does with others is not authentic and feels fake.
Mark is also looking to truly overcome the wounds of his childhood. Not wanting to be held back and identified by his past, specifically with his childhood and his parents. Feeling like a victim is "annoying" and he's ready to move past this.
Lately Mark has been feeling very lonely, despite having a family he loves and many friends. This is feeling comes up often and he's looking to find the cause of this and to heal it..
PRESENTING ISSUES:
- Self-sabotage
- Impostor syndrome
- Lack of authenticity
- Restlessness
- Victimhood
- Loneliness
CHAKRAS EFFECTED:
- 1 (root)
- 2 (sacral)
- 3 (solar plexus)
- 5 (throat)
SESSION:
1 - Root Chakra:
Wounds of the past.
Immediately a question arose: "when are you going to get past your bullshit?" indicating that Mark is the one holding himself back from finding peace and healing regarding his childhood wounds, his sense of victimhood and limiting beliefs about himself. He is running a loop in his mind around what he doesn't have/what he didn't get and how life feels unfair.
I saw a vision of a young black girl, she has come up in other sessions I've done with Mark. There is an energy of victim-perpetrator emanating within his energy field. While those two things feel different, energetically speaking, they're actually two sides of the same coin, but when we’re stuck and don’t realize this this, we oscillate between one and then the other, which can be very confusing.
I saw this young black girl living in a southern state of the US, after slavery had ended. She presented with a very strong energy of victimhood, which is understandable the timing and circumstances she was in. But when she died, that strong attachment to the victim energy kept her stuck and she was not able to “cross over”. I then saw another life fragment of a “tall white man” perpetrator-type, that was also stuck. The two seemed to be tied together, and tied to you, it’s almost like you’ve been working on this “lesson” for quite a while, going back and forth between the “victim” and the “perpetrator” – not realizing they’re of the same energy. No one is really a victim. It’s not that hard things don’t happen to us, of course they do, but it’s all for our highest good, for growth and expansion, which can be hard to understand, but that understanding provides our liberation. Nothing is actually victimizing us, we choose to stay stuck in the “woe is me” energy. What then happens typically, the next lifetime, we will incarnate in a more “perpetrator” energy, in an attempt to see the other side of the story, to finally understand the lesson and move past it. I crossed over these two soul fragments into the spirit world / “heaven” and when I did that, two soul pieces dropped down on a line, to be placed into Mark’s root chakra. This is an unconventional way to integrate fragmented soul pieces, but I was strongly called to do this nonetheless.
Mark’s job now is to FINALLY, move past this, to “get past your bullshit.” The energy has never been better for him to finally release this feeling of “not getting” something, yet at the same time recognizing that there are fundamental aspects of your life (tall white man) that are affording you things innately that other’s don’t get, which is ironic. This is the same pattern that has played out in his experiences here, on one side, then the other… culminating to the feeling or experience of BOTH, in this life. What a perfect life plan Mark wrote for himself to move past this once and for all!!
2 – Sacral Chakra:
Restlessness.
The alcohol isn’t the problem inherently, it’s a tool of distraction to keep Mark small and stuck. When we drink, it's easy temporarily forget our stressors and not care about all our troubles. It creates a false sense of “living in the moment” but it’s not true presence. It’s avoidance.
The antidote: Meditation and grounding. This can be done by taking a walk outside, a grounding meditation, art, anything that keeps you present and connected to yourself and the moment.
3 – Solar Plexus Chakra:
Loneliness.
The inability to BE honestly and authentically oneself, is the cause of your loneliness. You’re lonely for your true self.
5 – Third Eye Chakra:
Inauthenticity.
The question came up "Where are you not showing your true, authentic self? Where are you simply mirroring others, to sway them to like you, or trust you, or hire you."
I got the strong message that Mark no longer needs to do that, in fact, he never did. He already is relatable and captivating to people, it's part of his energy. He doesn't need to mirror anyone, but to be himself, his true self. Being-ness.
Mark still has all those other attributes. His “imposter syndrome” relates, in part, to the mirroring / inauthenticity. He feels like an imposter, because he's not being himself. People want the REAL MARK! It’s a better version than the mirror. They want to be around his energy, not because he is morphing into something he thinks is more relatable to them. Also, that behavior can have a negative affect, when he uses it to manipulate or agitate others at times. Mark needs to not play small, to cater to and morph into what he thinks people want. The real Mark will always outshine any impostor or inauthentic version.
SUMMARY:
Mark is playing small because he's afraid to step into his power and authenticity.
He uses alcohol, drama and other things, to distract himself from this and to tone down the feeling of loneliness, which is the result of a deep yearning for his true self. He is also using his past traumas to allow himself to keep playing a victim, so that he can justify it all. Mark longs for a solitary life, spending his days creating art, yet this is actually just another version of distraction, he cannot run away from his problems or think others are the cause.
Mark has a soul purpose to be a living example and guidepost to others around true personal liberation, I think on some level he already knows this. Knowing is one thing, living it is another. He needs to be an embodiment of it first. This can feel a bit overwhelming and difficult, having a strong soul mission. It can feel easier and safer to just keep on doing the same things over and over again, distraction, self-sabotage, playing small, making excuses. Only Mark can liberate himself from all these things. It's simpler than he may realize. The first step is to get out of his own way, to make the choice to move on and be done with the excuses and distractions. To connect with his true self. To be honest and discerning. This will bring him the peace and contentment he desires.
HOMEWORK / INTEGRATION WORK:
1) Write a short story that has three main characters, the victim, perpetrator and hero. Bring this back to share at our next session. This will reveal how we oscillate between all three characters and create all sorts of stories about our life that distance us from the truth.
2) Meditate! This does not have to be a formal exercise, anything that keeps you connected to the present moment is a form meditation.
3) Consider getting the book “Change your mind” by RJ Spina and doing the “notebook exercise” outlined within. This will help you to recognize toxic, outdated thought patterns and where core motivations originate from.
CLIENT FEEDBACK:
(coming)
